Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Iraqi Hockey Player
9 November, 2005
Lynn H. tells about the Iraqi Hockey Player
Toronto coach Pat Quinn sends scouts out around the world looking for a new
center to hopefully help win the Stanley Cup for Toronto.
One of his scouts informs him of a young Iraqi center who he thinks will
turn out to be a true superstar. So,Pat flies to Iraq to watch him play and
is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to the NHL.
Two weeks later,Toronto is down 4-0 at home against Montreal with only 8
minutes left. Pat gives the young Iraqi center the nod to go on, and he
puts him on in place of Sundin.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 8 minutes and wins the game for
Toronto. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and
the media love the new star.
When he comes off the ice, he phones his Mum to tell her about his first day
in the NHL. "Hi Mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 8 minutes today,
we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me; the
fans, the players and the media, they all love me".
"Great," says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot
in the street, your sister and I were raped and beaten and your brother has
joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time".
The young lad is very upset. "What can I say, Mum, I'm so sorry".
"Sorry!" says his Mum, "It's your damned fault that we moved to Scarborough
(a Toronto suburb) in the first place!"
******
Bunny reports that as the Pope was finishing his sermon, he ended it with the Latin
phrase, "Tuti Homini" - (which means "Blessed be to mankind.")
A women's rights group approached the Pope the next day. They complained that the
Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying, "Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini"
- which means Blessed be Mankind and Womankind
The next day, a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They said that they noticed that he
blessed mankind and womankind, and asked if he could also bless gay people.
The Pope said, "Sure". The next day, the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homeni,
et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."
******
Bobbieanne, herself a blonde, tells us about a blonde is terribly overweight,
so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least
5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20
pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop
dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
******
From the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, named for Edward George Bulwer-Lytton's opening lines in his novel "Paul Clifford" (1830): "It was a dark and stormy night..."
Dan McKay's winning entry:
"As he stared at her ample bosom, he daydreamed of the dual Stromberg carburetors in his vintage Triumph Spitfire, highly functional yet pleasingly formed, perched prominently on top of the intake manifold, aching for experienced hands, the small knurled caps of the oil dampeners begging to be inspected and adjusted as described in chapter seven of the shop manual."
Mitsy Rae was the runner-up:
"When Detective Riggs was called to investigate the theft of a trainload of Native American fish broth concentrate bound for market, he solved the case almost immediately, being that the trail of clues led straight to the trainmaster, who had both the locomotive and the Hopi tuna tea."
******
Bonnie tells us she had a DRUG PROBLEM
The other day, someone at a store in a small town read that a
methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farm house in the adjoining
county and he asked me a rhetorical question, "Why didn't we have a drug
problem when you and I were growing up?"
"I did have a drug problem when I wuz a kid growing up on the farm."
I had a drug problem when I was young:
I was drug to church on Sunday morning.
I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.
I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.
I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.
I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie,
brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the
teacher or the preacher. Or if I didn't put forth my best effort in
everything that was asked of me.
I was drug to the kitchen sink if I uttered a profane four letter word.
( I do know what Lye soap tastes like.) I was drug out to pull weeds in
mom's garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad's fields.
I was drug to the homes of Family, Friends, and neighbors to help out some
poor soul who had no one, to mow the yard, repair the clothesline or chop
some fire wood, and if my mother had ever know that I took a single dime as
a tip for this kindness, she would have drug me back to the wood shed.
Those drugs are still in my veins; and they affect my behavior in everything
I do, say, and think. They are stronger than cocaine, crack or heroin, and
if today's children had this kind of drug problem, America might be a better
place today.
******
Sami tells about the basketball coach who stormed into the university
president's office and demanded a raise right then and there.
"Please," protested the college president, "you already make more than the
entire History department."
"Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach
blustered, "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was
jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he
ordered.
Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're
not there, sir," he reported.
"Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the president, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."
******
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