Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Texas Prayer
29 August, 2005
Joyce's Texas prayer is appropriate for many of us this hot summer:
Bless this house, oh Lord, we cry.
Please keep it cool in mid-July. (Should we add -- especially AUGUST & SEPTEMBER)
Bless the walls where termites dine,
While ants and roaches march in time.
Bless our yard where spiders pass
Fire ant castles in the grass.
Bless the garage, a home to please
Carpenter beetles, ticks and fleas.
Bless the love bugs, two by two,
The gnats and mosquitoes that feed on you.
Millions of creatures that fly or crawl,
In Texas, Lord, you've put them all!!
But this is home, and here we'll stay,
So thank you Lord, for insect spray.
******
Tarylee offers this:
An Alberta rancher and his wife were bickering while holidaying in France.
They were still hardly speaking to each other after being seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.
When the waiter arrived the rancher said: "I'll have a big, thick porterhouse steak."
The waiter replied: "Monsieur ... what about ze mad cow?"
To which the rancher replied, "She'll just have a salad."
******
"Why God Made Moms" Sami has some answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He Just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair... I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back of her head.
*****
A story from Sherill:
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon
when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the
other direction. "Hello" said the little boy.
"Hi" replied the little girl.
"Where are you going"? asked the little boy.
"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home", answered the little girl.
"Me too", replied the little boy. "I'm also on my way home from church".
"Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.
"I go to the Baptist church back down the road" replied the little girl.
"What about you?"
"I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill", replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that
they'd walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring
rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could
get across to the other side without getting wet.
"If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom's going to skin me alive" said the
little girl.
"My Mom'll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet", replied the little boy.
"I tell you what I think I'll do" said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off
all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across".
"That's a good idea", replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same
thing with my suit".
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting
their clothes wet.
They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting
their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked. "You know,
I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a
Baptist and a Catholic"
******
Bob W. warns us about this Serious Threat:
This morning - - from a cave somewhere in Pakistan - - Taliban Minister of
Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action
against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of
convenience store managers. If this action does not yield sufficient results
cab drivers will be next.
It's getting ugly.
******
Bonnie's dad, an auto mechanic, she says, received a repair order that
read: "Check for 'clunking' sound when going around corners."
Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment
later he heard a distinct 'clunk'. He then made a left turn and again
heard a 'clunk' sound.
Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the
problem.....
Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this
notation:
"Have customer remove bowling ball from trunk".
******
-30-