Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Simple Home Remedies
16 August, 2005
Bunny offers some AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using
the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few
minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins Remember to use a timer.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be
afraid to cough.
Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget
about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember:
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when
you might need them to empty your bedpan! Have a great day!!
******
Sami says that she can translate what men say:
"I'M GOING FISHING."
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream
(or in a boat) with a stick in my hand as the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING."
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you
have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why the hell isn't it already on the table?"
"UH-HUH." "SURE, HONEY." OR "YES, DEAR."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN."
Means: "I have no idea how it works."
'I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Oh, are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop',the address of the first girl I ever
kissed, and the VIN number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Means: "I hope I think of some reasons pretty soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It did not fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "Which thing did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately
that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: "Please don't try on any more outfits. I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."
******
Another story from Sami:
A very gentle Southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in Georgia one day.
As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin (ready) to jump.
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."
She said, "Well, think of Robert E. Lee."
He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''
She replied, ''Well bless your heart, just go ahead and jump, you dumb ass Yankee."
******
Bonnie tells about the Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife
looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted,
"My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced
triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
******
Maryse has found some amusing newspaper clippings
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable
teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-
guard spokesman commented: 'This sort of thing is all too
common these days.'
- The Times.
Under the heading 'Brussels pays £200,000 to save prostitutes':
the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes'
pocket but will be used to encourage them to lead a better
life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels.'
- Daily Telegraph, London.
We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we
stated that Mr. Fred Nicolme is a defective of the Police
Force. This was a typographical error. We meant, of course,
that Mr. Nicolme is a detective in the Police Farce.
- Derby Abbey Community News.
Police, called to arrest a naked man on the platform at
Piccadilly Station, released their suspect after he produced
a valid rail ticket.
- Manchester Evening News.
******
From one of Murray K.'s friends in Israel. He notes, " After reading
these tiny horrors you?ll think that even the Disengagement from
Gaza will seem easy!"
The husband said to his wife, "What have you been doing with all
the grocery money I gave you?" She answered, "Turn sideways and
look in the mirror."
It's funny how, as we get older, our priorities change.
The other morning I awoke to see my wife standing beside the bed dressed
in very skimpy underwear and holding several pieces of velvet rope.
"Tie me up and you can do anything you want", she purred.
So I tied her up and went fishing.
NASA recently sent a number of Holsteins into orbit for experimental
purposes. They called it the "herd shot round the world..."
******
And this from the London Free Press today:
For less than $100, see Clinton at JLC
MELINDA DALTON, Free Press Reporter
2005-08-16 02:15:40
At about a $100 a pop, tickets to see former U.S. president Bill Clinton in London this fall are among the cheapest going to see the colourful politician.
The 42nd U.S. president will deliver the keynote speech at the first Canadian-American relations conference Oct. 17 at London's John Labatt Centre.
A day later, Clinton will speak in Toronto, where tickets are priced from $329 to $995.
Clinton events are usually $400-a-plate, black-tie affairs, London conference organizer Andy McCreath said yesterday.
The JLC tickets -- which go on sale tomorrow at 10 a.m. -- range from $86.25 to $100.25.
"Normally, Clinton events price the tickets out of the market," McCreath said.
"This is priced so everyone can attend it."
EVERYONE????
How many hours does that represent at minimum pay?
******
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