Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Joshua
27 July, 2005
Bonnie's story relates to Joshua:
The new pastor decided to visit the children's Sunday
school. The teacher introduced him and said, "Pastor,
this morning we're studying Joshua."
"That's wonderful," said the new pastor, "let's see what
you're learning. Who tore down the walls of Jericho?"
Little Billy shyly raised hand and offered, "Pastor, I
didn't do it."
Taken aback, the pastor asked, "Come on, now, who tore down
the walls of Jericho?"
The teacher, interrupting, said, "Pastor, Billy's a good
boy. If he says he didn't do it, I believe he didn't do it."
Flustered, the pastor went to the Sunday school director
and related the story to him.
The director, looking worried, explained, "Well, sir, we've
had some problems with Billy before. Let me talk to him
and see what we can do."
Really bothered now by the answers of the teacher and the
director, the new pastor approached the deacons and
related the whole story, including the responses of the
teacher and the director.
A white-haired gentleman thoughtfully stroked his chin and
said, "Well, Pastor, I move we just take the money from
the general fund to pay for the walls and leave it at that."
******
Darwin tells about this fellow from Texas who had a flat tire.
He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car
walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers,
and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car
and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tarr."
In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put
flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it neither."
(However, PEOPLE FROM THE SOUTH WILL UNDERSTAND!)
******
Bobbieanne's story:
While visiting his niece, an elderly man had what was apparently a stroke.
The woman drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed
like a very long wait, the E.R. doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a
long face.
Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid that your uncle's brain is dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, dear," cried the woman, her hands clasped against her cheeks with
shock.. "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"
******
Bonnie tells about a tough old cowboy once counseled his grandson that if
he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder
on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and lived to the age of 110.
He left 4 children, 20 grand-children, 30 great- grandchildren, 10
great-great- grand-children and a fifty-foot hole where the crematorium
used to be.
******
Some of Bonnie's aphorisms sound familiar; others are new - at least to
me. You may decide for yourself:
§ The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken
fan belt and a flat tire.
§ The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.
§ Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't
be promoted.
§ Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.
§ Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
§ If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a
couple of mortgage payments
§ Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
§ If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.
§ Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and
he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
§ Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again?
It was probably worth it.
§ If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
§ Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.
§ Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.
§ The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
§ A closed mouth gathers no feet.
§ There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman.
Neither one works.
§ Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.
§ Never miss a good chance to shut up.
§ Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
§ When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our
arse. From there on in, life gets worse
§ The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
******
Sami tells about President Bush and Rumsfeld, who are sitting in a bar...
A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW III."
And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one beautiful, voluptuous blonde."
The guy exclaimed, "A beautiful, voluptuous blonde? Why kill a beautiful, voluptuous blonde?
Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, "See, I told you no one CARES about the 140 million Muslims".
******
Sami also points out a few cultural differences:
10 THINGS BLACK & HISPANICS KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WONT ADMIT IT:
1. Elvis is dead.
2. Jesus was not white.
3. Rap music is here to stay.
4. Kissing your pet is not cute or clean.
5. Skinny does not equal sexy.
6. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
7. A 5 year old child is too big for a stroller.
8. N'SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
9. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
10. Having your children curse you out in public is not normal.
10 THINGS WHITE & BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT HISPANIC PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. Hickeys are not attractive.
2. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
3. Jesus is not a name for your son.
4. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
5. Maria is a name but not for every daughter.
6. Jump out and run is not a clause in any insurance policies.
7. 10 people to a car is considered too many.
8. Buttoning just the bottom button of your shirt is a bad fashion statement.
9. Mami and Popi can't possibly be the nickname of every person in your family.
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store is not normal.
10 THINGS WHITE & HISPANIC PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:
1. O.J. did it.
2. Tupac is dead.
3. Teeth should not be decorated.
4. Weddings should start on time.
5. Your pastor doesn't know everything.
6. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
7. RED is not a Kool Aid flavor, it's a color.
8. Church does not require expensive clothes.
9. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
10. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than your car.
******
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