Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Retirees
13 July, 2005
Bobbianne discusses RETIREES
Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on Couch.
Q. How many retirees to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.
Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.
Q. Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
A. The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
Q. Among retirees what is considered casual attire?
A. Tied shoes.
Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.
Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A. NUTS!
Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Q. What do retirees call a long lunch?
A. Normal
Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never ending Coffee Break.
Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth
******
Joyce C. calls our attention to Eight Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n
Female... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off ! on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
******
Bonnie tells this story:
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud
pounding on the door.
A man gets up and goes to the door where a college student (after a
fraternity party), standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some college student asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. Can't you remember about
three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?" "I think
you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding
rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replies the college student.
******
Bobbieanne reports:
The couple had been debating the purchase of a new vehicle for weeks.
He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she
could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she
seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look !" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or
less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."
For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Services are pending
******
Bonnie tells us what some idiots have done:
IDIOTS IN SERVICE This week, my phone went dead and I had to contact the
telephone repair people. I went next door and called them. They promised to
be out between
8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time
window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before
we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since
our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages
by email. I asked him, "Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?"
IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when
the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card.
She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card
was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare
the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card
in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just
signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a
new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the
removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer
were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a
taco. She asked the person behind the counter for minimal lettuce." He said
he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
IDIOT SIGHTING I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport
employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I
know? " He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
IDIOT SIGHTING The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross
the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of
mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it
signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What
on earth are blind people doing driving?"
IDIOT SIGHTING I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back
into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would
not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to
pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively
tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I
announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I
already got that side."
******
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