Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Smiles from Bob Hope
9 April, 2005
Jim W. says, "THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE"
Nice little tribute to a man
who DID make a difference: Bob Hope May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003
ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill".
ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 "I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time
for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ...
the referee kept stepping on them."
ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then
they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure."
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as
it's called at my home, 'Passover'."
ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS "I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER "When I was born, the
doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations'.You have an eight-pound ham'."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble,
but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it
got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't
for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the
hereafter on a technicality
******
Bonnie reminds us of our values:
Two kids are talking, and one says, "Boy, my dad works twelve hours a day to
give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and
cooking for me. I'm really worried."
The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about?"
The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"
******
Perhaps this goes beyond the limits that I have set out - but you might enjoy Bonnie's humor:
A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing
female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed
a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing
and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I
tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was,
"I wish I was an Oscar Mayer Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't admit his name
******
Darwin says, "You might be a redneck pilot if...."
1. Your stall warning plays DIXIE.
2. Your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as checkpoints.
3. You think sectionals should show trailer parks.
4. You've ever used moonshine as AV-Gas.
5. Your 172's wheel pants have mud flaps with a chrome silhouette of a reclining nude.
6. Your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
7. You've ever taxied around the airport just drinking beer.
8. You wouldn't be caught dead in a Grumman Yankee.
9. You use an old sweet mix sack as a windsock.
10. You constantly confuse "Beechcraft" with "Beechnut."
11. You've never flown a nose-wheel airplane.
12. You refer to formation flying as "We got us a convoy."
13. Your matched set of lightweight flying luggage is 3 grocery bags from Piggly Wiggly.
14. You have a gun rack in the rear window.
15. You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling on.
16. You figure mud and manure in your weight and balance calculations.
17. You siphon gas from your tractor to go flying.
18. You've never landed at an actual airport even though you've been flying for over 20-years.
19. You've ever ground looped to avoid hitting a cow.
20. You consider anything over 500-ft AGL as High Altitude Flying.
21. There are parts on your aircraft labeled "John Deere."
22. You don't own a current sectional, but have all the Texaco road maps for your area.
23. There's a brown streak down each side of your airplane; exhaust on the right side and tobacco on the left.
24. You have to buzz the strip to chase off the livestock before landing.
25. You use an old parachute for a portable hanger.
26. You've ever landed on Main Street for a cup of coffee.
27. The tread pattern, if any, on all three of your tires is different.
28. You have a pair of fuzzy dice and some small copper shoes hanging from the Magnetic Compass.
29. You put straw in the baggage compartment so your dogs don't get cold.
30. You've got matching bumper stickers on each side of the vertical stabilizer.
31. There are grass stains on the tips of your propeller.
32. Somewhere on your plane, there's a bumper sticker that reads "I'd rather be fishing."
33. You navigate with your ADF tuned to only AM country stations.
34. You think an ultra light is a new sissy beer from Budweiser.
35. Just before the crash, everybody on the UNICOM heard you say, "Hey Y'all-Watch This!"
******
Bunny gives us this WOMAN'S DICTIONARY!
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry.
We need = I want.
It's your decision = My correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper.
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.
******
Sami came up with this story:
A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local
bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long
tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol
was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all
the city's problems.
Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this, the guy said, "Listen
sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day
I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife
I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I
volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute
regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just
because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son
and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful
demon that all who consume it are doomed..."
"Look there you go again," said the man. "How can you make such a
sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"
"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my
lips."
"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a
devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"
"Well, I really don't know ..."
"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a
drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass,
it's inside the person."
"Oh, I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out
of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person
rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a
curiosity in me."
"Well let's go inside and settle this!"
"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this.
Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned.
Bring it out to me and I'll try it."
"You're on!" said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into
the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could
you put one of them in this tin cup please?"
The bartender sighed and asked, "Is that nun out there again?"
******
Sami also offers this political solution:
The Republicans should just back off
and let men marry men; women marry women,
and totally legalize abortion.
In three generations there will be no Democrats
******
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