Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Preparing for St. Patrick's Day
7 March, 2005
Sami offers something Irish (?) for St. Patrick's Day: I guess that the Irish
shouldn't necessarily be the butt of all these stories, so substitute another nationality
if you'd prefer. But then you'd need to change the holiday too.
"Irish Shopping"
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time
removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with
olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
"what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
*******************************************************
"I've Lost Me Luggage"
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with
tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was
already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
****************************************************
"Water to Wine"
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in
Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and
then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
****************************************************
"The Brothel" - (as the name suggests, a bit risque. You might want to
omit this before you give it to the kids)
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel
across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye,
'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen
said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.
**********************************
"An Irish Fight" :- (even more risque - but too good to pass up.)
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over
by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and
bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean,the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must
have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin'
he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have
something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's boob, and a thing of beauty it
was, but useless in a fight."
*****************************************************************
"Irish Cemetery":
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub
late one night and found themselves on the road which led past
the old graveyard.. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael
O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here
that he was 95 when he died."!
Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is
written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."
***********************************************
"Irish Miracle":
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city
one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A
cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this
evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across
his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf."
*************************************************
"Irish Predicament":
Drunk, Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a
Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits
there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
either."
******
Bonnie -
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very
surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face
was beaming. He gave her that "who are you?" look," and couldn't remember
ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, figured she had made
a mistake and apologized. "Look," she said "I'm really sorry but when I
first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and
walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the heck is the world
coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers
her children! " However, he was somewhat flattered that he might resemble
one of her former lovers. Then again he got a little panicky. "I don't
remember her," he thought but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties he
had been to
when he was in college...perhaps he did father her child!
He sat in his car, holding his head in his hands, never realizing that she
was his son's second grade teacher.
******
Does Bonnie have this straight?
A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself; lets
her.
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it
myself," and he lets her; gets mad.
A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it
myself," and he lets her and she get mad; says, "Now what are you mad
about?"
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it
myself," and he lets her and she get mad, and he says, "Now what are mad
about?" says, "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."
******
Bonnie also tells this:
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
******
Bunny says that she has the top 10 Reasons Why God Created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden, because he
wouldn't ask for directions.
9. God knew that, someday, Adam would need someone to hand him the TV
remote.
(Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to see what's ON TV.
They want to see WHAT ELSE is on TV.)
8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.
7. God knew that, when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new
one for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply. But, He knew Adam would never
be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help finding his tools.
3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple Incident and for anything else
that was really his fault.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."
1. And the No. 1 reason of all .
(Tada ... drum roll ... fanfare . , etc.) God stepped back, looked at Adam,
and declared ... "I can do better than that."
******
Gettie tells us about a woman, leaving a convenience store with her morning
coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the
nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman
walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were
about 200 women walking single file.
The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman
walking
the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad
time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose
funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband
when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
[Ed. note: This is why the men in the Ontario legislature are about to eliminate
pit bulls from the province?]
******
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