Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
UP
10 March, 2005
Ken and Jan point out a 2 letter word that has a hundred completely different meanings. So what is
this stuff about English being easy?
There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other
two-letter word, and that is "UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list
but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the
officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the
silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the
house and some guys fix UP the old car.
At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP
trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing:
A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the
dictionary. In a desk size dictionary, the word up, takes UP almost 1/4th
the page and definitions add UP to about thirty.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is
used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may
wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is
clouding UP . When the sun comes out we say
it is clearing UP.
When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things
dry UP.
One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP,
for now my time is UP, so.............
I'll shut UP...
******
Dwight Nelson recently told Sami a true story about the pastor
of his church. He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his
backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor
coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down.
The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided
that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree
bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.
That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car.
He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be
bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the
car a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went "boing!"
and the kitten instantly sailed through the air-out of sight.
The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood
asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had
seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten
to your keeping," and went on about his business.
A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his
church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart
and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater
and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying
cat food when you hate cats so much?"
She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her
little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing.
Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the
Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll
let you keep it."
She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get
on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you
won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten
suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws
outspread, and landed right in front of her."
******
Bonnie tells about "The Braggart"
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could
outdo any man in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of
one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had
enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will
bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that
outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."
"You're on, old man," the
braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.
Then, nodding to the young man, he said with a smile: "All right. Get in."
******
More from Bonnie:
** OUR KIDS BY MOM & DAD: **
** Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said.
** Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching
them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years
telling them to sit down and shut-up.
** I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids
do you want?
** Children are natural mimics who act like their parents,
despite every effort to teach them good manners.
** Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.
** "There is only one pretty child in the world... and every
mother has it." - Chinese Proverb.
** Children will soon forget your presents. They will always
remember your presence.
** The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind
yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
** Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.
** "Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?"
** You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of
the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom.
** A child's greatest period of growth is the month after
you've purchased new school clothes.
** Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby"
has never tried it.
** The best inheritance parents can give their children is
a few minutes of their time each day.
******
Bonnie has some things to think about:
** One of the most important things a father can do for his children is to
love their mother. - Author Unknown
** It is a shame for a person to have been a Christian for years but not to
have advanced beyond the knowledge of his salvation.
-- Theodore Epp
** I have always been complaining that my work was constantly interrupted,
until I slowly discovered that my interruptions were my work.
-- Henri Nouwen
** If you have been reduced to God being your only hope, you are in a good
place. -- Jim Laffoon
** "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm
not sure about the former." -- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
** "Not everything that can be counted counts,
and not everything that counts can be counted."
-- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
** Many things are possible for the person who has hope. Even more is
possible for the person who has faith. And still more is possible for the
person who knows how to love. But everything is possible for the person
who practices all three virtues. -- Brother Lawrence
******
...and Bonnie has questions without answers.
1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?
2. Why is it that, no matter what color of bubble bath you use, the bubbles
are always white?
3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator, with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?
5. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first
try?
6. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer. If you kept drying your
clothes, would they eventually just disappear?
7. Why is it that, whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
off the table, you always manage to knock something else over?
8. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash
pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?
9. In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer,
when we complained about the heat?
10. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
******
Bonnie asks, "Does Cold Water Really Clean Dishes?"
A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural
area of the state.. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared
breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like
substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather.... "Are these
plates clean?" His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold
water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for
lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a
substance that looked like dried egg yolks. So he asked again, "Are
you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told
you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now
don't ask me about it anymore!"
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby
town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and
wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me
out."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching
on TV his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, Go lay down!"
******
Where does Bonnie come up with these? Here's another one.
** You know you live in a small town when **
1.. It has an aquarium -- stocked with a live minnows
2.. The town newspaper is published monthly
3.. The town is named after EVERYONE'S distant relative.
4.. It was founded on April Fools' Day as a practical joke.
5.. The Ice Cream store has only two flavors, chocolate and vanilla.
6.. There's no hospital -- only a first aid kit
7.. For fun on Saturday nights, people drive up and down main street.
8.. There's no bank... as soon as someone gets enough money,
they leave.
9.. The only traffic jam's are caused when a farmer drives down
Main Street on his combine.
10.. The local phone book has a yellow page.
l1.. Third Street is on the edge of town
12 The 7-11 is only open from 8 - 5.
13.. The only road crossing Main Street is a dirt road.
14.. The New Year's baby was born in October.
15.. The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both direction
16.. There's no place to go that you shouldn't
17.. "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes
18.. At the last beauty contest, nobody won 2nd or 3rd.
*****
Sami tells us about "Their First Kiss"
At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home.
Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and,
smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how 'bout a goodnight kiss?"
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I like you so much!!"
"No, no, and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"NO, no. I just can't."
"Pleeeeease?..."
Out of the blue, the porch light goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in
her pajamas, hair disheveled.
In a sleepy voice the sister says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for crying out loud! Tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"
******
Sami also tells us, "This was the Wrong Thing To Say."
This married couple is sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
The husband says "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband who has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."
Services will be held on Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary.
******
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