Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Words, Words, and More Words
10 January, 2005
Two entries from the Washington Post - the first from S. G., in which a letter is changed and the resultant word given a new definition; the second is from Bonnie, in which no letter is changed, but a new definition created.
The Washington Post's Style Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year's winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
laid.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the
fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
...and if you noticed that number 5 is missing - don't ask me why.
******
ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST
Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which
readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. And the
winners are...
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.
14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die your Soul goes up
on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
******
Emily B. sends us Workisms...
I don't mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Remember there's no I in team... (but there is a M and an E)
That's Bill for ya, always sharpening his sleeping skills...
A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five!
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer .
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.
DEAR IRS, Please cancel my subscription.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
******
Michel M. tells about CAMPING TRIP PICTURES
My brother Scott brought over a photo album of his camping
trip. One picture showed a brown bear helping itself to his
food.
"What kind of bear is that?" I asked.
"It's called a Kodiak," Scott replied.
"Oh, yeah?" my husband Keith shot back. "And I suppose
those white ones in the Arctic are called Polaroids."
******
Annabelle give us these "Maxine quotes":
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.
******
Jim W. has some DEEP OBSERVATIONS ON LIFE
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you
get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a
support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they
meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry
6) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom,
they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
7) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the
authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
8) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's
go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
9) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson
10) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
11) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld
12) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in
case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What,
do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
13) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is
the same."
--Oscar Wilde
14) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown
15) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry
16) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow
Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased
******
Bonnie has answers to, " What Is A Grandmother?"
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
** A grandmother is a lady who has no little children of her own. She likes
other people's.
** A grandfather is a man grandmother.
** Grandmothers don't have to do anything except be there when we come to
see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if
they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.
** When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty
leaves.
** They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also Why
we shouldn't step on "cracks."
** They don't say, "Hurry up."
** Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
** They wear glasses and funny underwear.
** They can take their teeth and gums out.
** Grandmothers don't have to be smart.
** They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How
come dogs chase cats?".
** When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the
same story over again.
** Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have
television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with
us.
** They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers
with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
******
Annabelle sends us this:
At the Russian War College, a general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.
One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three?"
"Yes, comrades, it looks like you will," answers the general.
"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.
"The likelihood is that it will be China."
The class is surprised, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"
"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews have been fighting against 300 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."
"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews?"
******
Annabelle also offers: "Things My mother Taught Me "
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning.."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to
the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and! I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that
way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Did your mother teach you these things?
******
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