Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Dear Dogs and Cats
20 November, 2004
Bonnie writes: Dear Dogs and Cats:
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with
each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw
prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and
contain my food. Please note: Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate
and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I
find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your
comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping; they can actually curl up
in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize
space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under
the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I
entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years - canine or
feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, and then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
I cannot stress this enough.
******
To pacify her pets, Bonnie has posted the following message on her front door...
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Pets:
1.. They live here. You don't.
2.. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3.. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4.. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. I will try to
keep in mind that dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't
ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called,
never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or
drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your
clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get
pregnant, you can sell the results.
******
Bonnie also tells us about "Cheap Fred":
Fred was well known for his cheapness and his 'eye for a bargain'. One day he was looking for a cheap wedding present for his niece, so he went into a thrift shop.
As he was walking around, he noticed what was previously an expensive glass crystal vase lying in the corner. It was in 3 pieces. After some haggling with the owner, Fred bought the broken vase for $5. He then filled in the congratulations card, wrote out his niece's name and address and gave the owner another $5 so that the broken vase could be gift wrapped and mailed. Fred then left the shop feeling quite pleased with himself. He expected his niece to think the vase had broken in the mail.
A few days later, he called his niece to see if the present had arrived.
"Yes, Uncle Fred, but unfortunately, it was in 3 pieces when it was delivered."
"What terrible luck." said Fred, "The Post Office is getting worse all the time."
"It's a shame," she replied. "It was so beautifully wrapped. Each piece separately."
******
Sami compares Martha Stewart's methods with those of Maxine:
Martha's Way Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Maxine's Way Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway!
Martha's Way To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Maxine's Way Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's Way When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake
Maxine's Way Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.
Martha's Way If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant fix-me-up."
Maxine's Way If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad. Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"
Martha's Way Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Maxine's Way Celery? Never heard of it!
Martha's Way Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Maxine's Way The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust so I don't.
Martha's Way Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Maxine's Way Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!
Martha's Way If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Maxine's Way Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.
Martha's Way Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Maxine's Way Leftover wine???????? HEL-LO !!!!!
******
Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words, and once again here they come - from Murray K. to me to you:
And the winners are...
1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
14. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die your Soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
******
Maryse, writing from France, suggests a new motto for Florida - perhaps one of these?
FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: We've been Gored by the bull of politics and we're Bushed.
FLORIDA: Relax...Retire...ReVote.
FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!
FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?
FLORIDA: Home of the edible chad.
FLORIDA: Bumbling better than ever!
Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.
******
Bonnie remembers 21 of Rodney Dangerfield's Best One Liners -
1. I was so poor growing up . if I wasn't a boy... I'd
have had nothing to play with.
2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over;
nobody's home." I went over. Nobody was home.
3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy
jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you
doing that ?" He said "Because you came home early."
5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning. I put a
shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase,
and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox,
the cat kept covering me up.
7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a
toaster and radio.
8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me
She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
9. I'm so ugly...My father carried around a picture of the
kid who came with his wallet.
10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room
and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we
could, but he pulled through."
11. I'm so ugly . My mother had morning sickness AFTER I
was born.
12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a
piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more
proof
13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him
to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think
we'll ever find them ?" He said,"I don't know kid. There's
so many places they can hide."
14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next
Tuesday.
15 I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept
asking how big I'd get.
16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I
get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up;
What's wrong with me ?" He said..."I don't know but your
eyesight is perfect."
17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of
sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and
get some rest.
18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can
I get my kite in the air ?" He told me to run off a cliff.
19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room
he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last
night he went on the paper four times - three of those times
I was reading it.
20 One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth
control.
21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap;
he was in the electric chair
******
Pat T. hasn't contributed before- but she is off to a great start:
Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
"For the sake of decency, here's £30. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies either.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?"
She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.
"Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
******