Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
More Words
1 October, 2004
Maryse calls our attention to the Washington Post's Style
Invitational, which once again asked readers to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting,
or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here
are this year's winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which
lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people
that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone
layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down
in the near future.
4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the
purpose of getting laid.
5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite
period.
6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit
and the person who doesn't get it.
8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are
running late.
9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)
11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off
all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the
Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through
the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido: All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just
after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets
into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be
cast out.
17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half
a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
******
Bonnie offers these words of encouragement:
1. No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission.
2. Most people will be about as happy as they decide to be.
3. Others can stop you temporarily. But, only you can do it permanently.
4. Whatever you are willing to put up with is exactly what you will have.
5. Success stops when you do.
6. When your ship comes in, make sure you are willing to unload it.
7. You will never 'have it all together'.
8. Life is a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the trip!
9. The biggest lie on the planet: "When I get what I want, I will be happy."
10. The best way to escape your problem is to solve it.
11. I've learned that, ultimately, 'takers' lose and 'givers' win.
12. Life's precious moments don't have value, unless they are shared.
13. If you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive.
14. We often fear the thing we want the most.
15. Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you have to say.
Best friends listen to what you don't say!
16. Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.
17. Look for opportunities, not guarantees.
18. Life is what's coming, not what was.
19. Success is getting up, one more time.
20. Now is the most interesting time of all.
21. When things go wrong, don't go with them.
22. Sometimes, the majority only means that all the fools are on the same
side.
23. God can mend all broken hearts. You just have to give Him all the
pieces.
24. Anyone who asks a question might be a fool for 5 minutes.
But, a person, who doesn't ask, is a fool forever.
25. A best friend is like a four leaf clover; hard to find and lucky to
have.
26. A friend is someone who reaches for your hand, but touches your heart.
27. A coincidence is when God performs a miracle and decides to remain
anonymous.
28. I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
29. Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God's
grace and your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of
God's grace.
30. Our eyes are placed in front because it is more important to look ahead,
rather than to look back.
******
...and Bonnie shares -
** Wisdom from Grandpa **
** - Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a
lot on the kind of chick he marries.
** - Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his
salt, that he forgets his sugar.
** - Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
** - When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts
when they try to decide which one.
** - If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a
thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
** - On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but
never the present.
** - A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the
washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."
** - The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest
is kept up.
** - Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make
beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
** - Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your
age, and start bragging about it.
** - The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
** - Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people
to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of
the roads weren't paved.
** - How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
** - When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth,
remember about Algebra.
** - I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
** - One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is
such a nice change from being young.
** - Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
** - Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald,
they don't recognize you.
** - If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to
laugh at when you are old.
******
THE BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN - Bonnie reminds us that this
is so cute and oh so true
Clothes:
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your
OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing
didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
The Layette:
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them,
and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only
the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
Worries:
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the
baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your
firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the
mechanical swing.
Pacifier:
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can
go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some
juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
Diapering:
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they
need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain
about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
Activities:
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby
Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out:
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home
five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number
where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees
blood.
At Home:
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child
isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the
children.
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the
hospital and demand ax-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the
coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his
allowance!!
******
Sami tells us about Dogs letter to God
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it going to be the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride!
Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:
1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
4. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5. The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
6. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
9. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
10. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'
11. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
12. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
13. I will not throw up in the car.
14. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
15. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
16. The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
And, finally my last question:
Dear God: When I get to Heaven, may I have my testicles back?
******
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