Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
A Cowboy's Guide to Life
19 May, 2004
Maryse offers A Cowboy's Guide To Life
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* Don't name a pig you plan to eat.
*Your fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
*Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you
bounce.
* Keep skunks and bankers and Lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered,,,,,,, not yelled.
* Meanness doesn't just happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You canNOT unsay a cruel word........
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.....
* Don't squat down with your spurs on.
* Don't judge people by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll
enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* It's better to be a has-been than a never-was.
* The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets,
the harder it is to swaller.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.
* It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
* Sometimes you get and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with; watches
you shave his face (or put on make-up) in the mirror every morning.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin'
somebody else's dog around.
* Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a
whole lot bigger'n you think.
* Only cows know why they stampede.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to
make sure it's still with ya.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad
judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back
in.
* You can't tell how good a man or a watermelon is 'till they get thumped'.
* Never, Never,,,,,,,,, miss a good opportunity to shut up
******
Bonnie again, with this
A new Mom took her baby daughter to the supermarket for the first time. She
dressed her in pink from head to toe. At the store, she placed her in the
shopping cart and put her purchases around her.
At the checkout line a small boy and his mother were ahead of them. The
child was crying and begging for some special treat. He wants some candy or
gum and his mother won't let him have any, she thought.
Then she heard his mother's reply. "No!" she said, looking in her direction.
"You may not have a baby sister today. That lady got the last one!"
******
Sherill L.'s story
A redneck cowboy rides into a town on a hot blistering day riding his horse
with his dog following. He ties his horse and the dog under the shade of a
tree. The cowboy goes into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog
tied under the tree. The cowboy tells him that it's his. The policeman says;
"Your dog is in heat".
The cowboy answers; "No way the dogs in heat; he's cool, I tied him in the
shade of the tree."
The policeman says; "No, you don't understand, your dog needs to be bred".
The cowboy shakes his head and says; "No way. He's not hungry. I gave
him beef jerky this morning."
The policeman finally gets mad and says; "Look, your dog wants to have sex".
The cowboy looks at him and says "Go ahead, I always wanted a police-dog".
******
Sherill also talks about going to the zoo
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for
days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking
him. When the day came, Little Johnny and his daddy got in the car
and headed for the zoo. They were gone most of the day, and as the
sun was setting, they arrived home.
"So how was it?" his mother asked Little Johnny.
"Great!" Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy really liked it a lot," exclaimed Little Johnny
excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came racing home at
30 to 1!"
******
Emily B. tells us about little Zachary
Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?"
Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
******
Annabelle sends this eulogy
She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.
She married again and had 7 more children. This husband then died.
She remarried and this time had 5 more children. The third husband died.
Alas, she finally died.
Standing before her coffin, the priest prayed for her
He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he
means her first, second or third husband?"
The friend replied, "I think he means her legs.
******
Bonnie says, "Just Think About This! "
** A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy,
and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
** Envy is thin because it bites, but never eats.
** I'm as nervous as a long tail cat in a room full of
rocking chairs. --Lawrence
** Blessed are the censors; they shall inhibit the earth.
** A choice is always possible, even without any options.
** To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing
than going fishing.
** I can't go back to yesterday, because I was a different
person then.
******
Lou D. has some ? British humour.
But first, a couple of things to point out (although you probably already are aware
of them)
- Council is the municipality government, sorta like our City Council.
- Being a Socialist state, a lot of household items are taken care of by
the government, including the toilets, it seems.
- A lot of the old housing have the toilets outside in the backyard, or,
as they say, ?the loo?s in the garden?.
ENJOY!
These are genuine clips from Council complaint letters
My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.
He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't
take it anymore.
It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my
knob off.
I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put
his foot in the hole in his back passage.
And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my
fence.
I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I
think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.
My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped
and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen; 50% of the
walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.
I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is
cleared.
Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and
not fit to drink.
Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at
6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.
The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is
unsightly and dangerous.
Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third
so please send someone round to do something about it.
I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do
something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my
wife.
I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still
have no satisfaction.
This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get
BBC2.
******
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