Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Three Engineers
1 April, 2004
When Fred Langa comes up with something like this, I like to
remind people of his most useful e-zine. Check it out at
www.langa.com
A systems engineer, mechanical engineer, and a software
engineer are in a car careening down a mountainous road
without brakes. The driver is furiously pumping the pedal
while he steers the speeding car around the treacherous turns
- stones flying and passengers gasping. Finally, he finds an
incline and the car coasts to a stop. All three get out and,
thanking their lucky stars, begin to assess the situation.
"Oh," says the mechanical engineer, "the brake lines are
leaking - lets patch the hole, bleed the brakes and be on our
way!"
The systems engineer said "maybe we should consult with the
manufacturer and the dealer to ensure that is really the
problem."
The software engineer said "why don't we get back in and see
if it happens again?"
******
Bonnie writes,
Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral
home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We
rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed
to determine the source of the pain.
My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him
until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back,
the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was
suffering from a kidney stone.
I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to
call the funeral home now?"
With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped,
"Honey, he's not THAT sick!"
******
Bonnie didn't send items 7 and 8 - but the rest are interesting?
Subject: WOMEN VS MEN
1. NAMES: > If Laurie, Linda, Liz and Barbara go out to lunch they will call
each other by their names.
If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out to lunch they will refer to each other
as, Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
2. EATING OUT: > When the bill arrives Mark, Chris and Eric will each throw
in $20, even though it's only $32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
3. MONEY: > A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn't need but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS: > A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving
cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel form the Marriott.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS: > A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6. FUTURE: > A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
9. MARRIAGE: > A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
10. NATURAL: > Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
11. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: > Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
AND FINALLY:....> A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not
saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of
them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules,
jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, '"Relatives of
yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
******
More from Bonnie:
A woman and her husband are getting ready for bed. She is standing in front
of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, Bob," she
says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled,
my boobs are barely above my waist (wishful thinking!), my butt is hanging
out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to Bob
and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well... there's nothing wrong
with your eyesight."
They hope to bring him out of ICU in a few days.
******
..and these ten puns are from Jim W.: (did I hear a groan already?)
1) Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a
fire. Thus, we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
2) A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm
shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down and wait your
turn. You'll just have to be a little patient."
3) A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins
that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day
his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On
the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them,
he carefully stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged
with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
4) A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal shaman who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the shaman looked him in the eye and
said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
5) Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to
produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket
watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It
turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their
compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather
than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who
has a Tates is lost!"
6) A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory
equipment. At news conference later, a spokesperson was quoted as saying,
"We have absolutely nothing to go on."
7) An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man.
After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of
elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and
swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man
returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said,
"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
8) A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name
missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the
local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken
Leif off my census."
9) There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on
an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became
pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the
hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
10) By the way, I know the guy who wrote these 9 puns. He entered them and
one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose. As
they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping one of his puns
would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
******
Credit Emily B. with this story:
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just
inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts
and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. One
for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding
along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices
from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he
heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew
what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come
here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the
Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls." The man said, "Beat
it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk."
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by
the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if
we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to
see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the
fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go
get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy
on the bike.
******
Jim W. also suggests that these might not all be new to you, but they're still funny.
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if You like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)
( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
( 1 ) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7
( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8
( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? ( 1 )
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck
.
-- Ricky, age 10
******
-30-