Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
New Words?
2 March, 2004
Juanita H. sent this to Darwin H., and Arthur H. is sending it to you:
NEW WORDS FOR 2004: Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was
missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on
everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream
only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube
farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch
potato.
SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies
turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay
home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiney.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because
the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's
workplace.
IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but
you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding
(or
not) was a prime example.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above
the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often
profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. >From the World Wide Web error message
"404Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be
located.
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same
no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and
subdivisions.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that
you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOF'S: Well-Off Older Folks.
CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a Cube Farm.
******
Recently, Judith says, she was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention
Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests: I decided to wash my car. As I start
toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I
decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys
down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table,
and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills
back on the table and take out the trash first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the, mailbox when I
take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check
left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk
where I find the can of Diet Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to
look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I
don't accidentally knock it over.
I see that the Diet Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put
it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen
with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need
to be watered. I set the Diet Coke down on the counter, and I discover
my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I
better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the
flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container
with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the
kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking
for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen
table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first
I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of
it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get
some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid,
there is a warm can of Diet Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers
aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't
find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I
did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I
realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Share this message as you like, because I
don't remember to whom it has been sent.
If this doesn't apply to you, don't laugh your day is coming.
******
Emily asks,
"In 1923, who was?:"
1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their day. Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.
The answers:
1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen. What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95. He was financially secure at the time of his death.
The moral:
Screw work. Play golf.
******
From Bonnie:
A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He
noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely,
goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..."
"What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked.
"Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy
following me around. But I don't want Shirley following me around all the
time. She's a gossip and a spoilsport!"
******
"Dear Milkman...,
I've just had a baby, please leave another one."
"Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk."
"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it."
"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby, and I've
been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks."
"Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints, but
the other way 'round."
"When you leave my milk, knock on my bedroom window and wake me because I
want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress."
"Please knock. My TV's broken down, and I missed last night's SOPRANOS. If
you saw it, will you tell me what happened?"
"My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver, or
do I have to shake the bottle?"
"Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old and
did not know about it until a neighbor told me."
"Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it."
"From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the days
in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any milk."
"My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup in
drawer and leave change on kitchen table, because we want to play bingo
tonight."
"Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I wrote
this note yesterday...or is it today ?"
"When you come with the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out,
and put newspaper inside the screen door.
P.S. Don't leave any milk."
"No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until
further notice."
*****
from Camilla
Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only
question asked was:
"Would you please give your honest opinion about the solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was, not surprisingly, a huge failure. Because:
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And, in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
******
Maryse forwarded this....
From Bad to Worse
A poem by Skinny Rowland.
He was a cowboy poet, born in 1926
in Pleasant Valley Oregon, and died in 1997
in Tucson, Arizona.
~~~~~~~~~
FROM BAD TO WORSE
Now my wife just left and the well went dry,
and my horse is sick and about to die.
Then my still blew up and the barn burned down,
and the road washed out on the way to town.
Then my dog got rabies and bit the cat,
and they both died soon after that.
Now I lost my specs and my pipe-stem broke,
so I can't even sit and read and smoke.
Then a tree fell on the chicken shed,
and most of the hens got smashed plumb dead.
Then a chimney fire took half of a wall,
and this old shack is about to fall.
Then I caught my heel on an old dead vine,
and sat smack dab on a porcupine.
Then a beaver dam broke and my bridge washed out,
and my watch stopped working and I've got the gout.
And the bank foreclosed so I've lost my place,
and my cow disappeared without a trace.
They cut off my credit at the grocery store,
and I lost my job and a whole lot more.
I must have been hexed by a triple curse,
as things keep going from bad to worse.
And now fate has hit me a last dirty crack,
to top off the worst - my wife's coming back.
******
Darwin contributes this:
A group of blondes in a class at Texas A&M University were given the
assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.
So they went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they fell off the ladders, dropped the tape measures and pencils -- the whole thing was just a mess.
An UMASS engineering student came along and saw what they were trying to do.
He walked over, pulled the flagpole out of the ground, laid it flat,
measured it from end to end, and then gave the measurement to one of the blondes and walked away.
After the engineer had gone, one blonde turned to another and
laughed: "Isn't that just like a dumb engineer? We're looking for the height and he gives us the length!"
******
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