.
Compendia: Epitaphs and more
Compendia . . .
from J. A. Hirsch
Epitaphs and More
5 January, 2004
Epitaphs
Actual inscriptions found on gravestones:
Harry Eden Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903-Died 1942;
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.
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In a Thermion, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist.
All dressed up and no place to go.
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On the grave of Ezekiel Aisle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekiel Aikle, Age 102.
The good die young.
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In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid;
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
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In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
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In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me for not rising.
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In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
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In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
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A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
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John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.
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Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna - Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
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On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
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In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by.
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
...To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent.
Until I know which way you went .
******
T-Shirts (from Al S.)
I CHILDPROOFED MY HOUSE, BUT THEY STILL GET IN.
On the front) 60 IS NOT OLD.
On the back) IF YOU'RE A TREE.
I'M STILL HOT. IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES.
AT MY AGE, "GETTING LUCKY" MEANS FINDING
MY CAR IN THE PARKING LOT.
MY REALITY CHECK JUST BOUNCED.
LIFE IS SHORT. . MAKE FUN OF IT.
I'M NOT 50. I'M $49.95 PLUS TAX.
ANNAPOLIS--A DRINKING TOWN WITH A SAILING PROBLEM.
I NEED SOMEBODY BAD. ARE YOU BAD?
PHYSICALLY PFFFFFT!
BUCKLE UP. IT MAKES IT HARDER FOR THE ALIENS
TO SNATCH YOU FROM YOUR CAR.
I'M NOT A SNOB. I'M JUST BETTER THAN YOU ARE.
IT'S MY CAT'S WORLD. I'M JUST HERE TO OPEN CANS.
EARTH IS THE INSANE ASYLUM OF THE UNIVERSE.
KEEP STARING....I MAY DO A TRICK.
WE GOT RID OF THE KIDS. THE CAT WAS ALLERGIC.
DANGEROUSLY UNDER-MEDICATED.
MY MIND WORKS LIKE LIGHTNING. ONE BRILLIANT FLASH
AND IT'S GONE.
EVERY TIME I HEAR THE DIRTY WORD "EXERCISE" I WASH MY MOUTH
OUT WITH CHOCOLATE.
CATS REGARD PEOPLE AS WARM-BLOODED FURNITURE.
LIVE YOUR LIFE SO THAT WHEN YOU DIE, THE PREACHER WILL NOT
HAVE TO TELL LIES AT YOUR FUNERAL.
IN GOD WE TRUST. ALL OTHERS WE POLYGRAPH.
MY WIFE COMES WITH INSTRUCTIONS---LOTS OF INSTRUCTIONS
******
Connie W. says, "Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!"
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.
Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.
No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"
He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."
Her trial starts next month.
******
Bonnie, driving on Highway 59 just outside of Oskaloosa, Kansas, was
unaware there was a county-wide drive to round up all unlicensed dogs.
A county sheriff's officer pulled up alongside and signaled her to
pull over to the curb.
When he came up to her driver's side window, she asked why she had been
stopped.
The officer pointed to Shadow, her 120- pound Giant Schnauzer, sitting on
the seat behind her. "Does your dog have a license?" he asked, keeping a
close eye on the dog, and standing back a bit from the open window.
Laughing, she said, "No, But he really doesn't need one. I always do all
the driving."
******
Bonnie also sends us this PARENTAL DICTIONARY
DUMBWAITER:
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
FEEDBACK:
The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FULL NAME:
What you call your child when you're mad at him.
GRANDPARENTS:
The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure
you're not raising them right.
HEARSAY:
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
DEFENSE:
What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the
children play outside.
OW:
The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
PUDDLE:
A small body of water that invariably draws other small bodies wearing dry
shoes into it.
SHOW OFF:
A child who is more talented than yours.
STERILIZE:
What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last
baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.
TOP BUNK:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING:
When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar
grunting noises.
TEMPER TANTRUMS:
What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
WHODUNIT:
None of the kids that live in your house
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