Compendia . . .from J. A. Hirsch
And You Thought the Arm Was Humerus
2 December, 2003
Bonnie offers some leg humour:
A man goes to the doctor. "Doc," he says, "you gotta check my leg.Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my ankle, you'll hear what I mean!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's ankle, only to hear "Gimme 5 bucks, I really need 5 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before! How long has this been going on?" The doctor asked.
"That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard, "Man, I really need 10 dollars. Just lend me 10 dollars!!"
"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.
"Wait, Doc. That's not it - there's more. Just put your ear up to my thigh." The man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his thigh plead,"Please, I really need 20 dollars. Lend me 20 bucks, please, if you will."
"I have no idea what to tell you. There's nothing in about it in any of my books!" he said, after frantically searching all his medical reference books. "All I can do is make an educated guess. Based on life and all my previous experience, it would seem that your leg is broke in three places."
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Andy's subject:: Ah, to be 6 again
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again", she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall ofFear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside-down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hotdog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"
The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
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Jim W. has some "wonderful quotes from some incredible people !!(mostly !) "
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But I repeat myself.
--Mark Twain
We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
--Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
--George Bernard Shaw
A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
--G. Gordon Liddy speaking for Bob Hansen
Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep
Voting on what to have for dinner.
--James Bovard, Civil Libertarian
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
--Douglas Casey, Classmate of W. J. Clinton at Georgetown U.
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
--P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
--Frederic Bastiat, French Economist(1801-1850)
Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
--Ronald Reagan
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts
--Will Rogers
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.
--P.J. O'Rourke
If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a liberal.
If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a conservative.
If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a moderate.
If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an extremist.
--Joseph Sobran, Editor of the National Review at one time
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one part of the citizens to give to the other
--Voltaire(1764)
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.
--Pericles(430 B.C.)
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
--Mark Twain
Talk is cheap, except when Congress does it.
--Unknown
The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
--Ronald Reagan
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
--Winston Churchill
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
--Mark Twain
The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
--Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher(1820-1903)
There is no distinctly native American criminal class save Congress.
--Mark Twain
What this country needs is more unemployed politicians.
--Unknown--
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Shirley L. tells us about the Football Blonde
A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind the bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she said, "especially the really tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest ofthe game, everyone kept screaming: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back
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Bonnie tells this story:
Johnny was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the pledge of allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.
He looked around the room as he started the recitation,"I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyesfell on Johnny, he noticed Johnny's hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.
"Johnny, I will not continue till you put you hand over your heart."
Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."
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