Compendia . . .from J. A. Hirsch
Happy Thanksgiving
27 November, 2003
For those of us in Canada, this comes a month and a half late. But for our friends in the "seasonal crime of overeating" in the U.S.,Jim says (and I join him), "A Happy Thanksgiving to all, enjoy!!"
'Twas the night of Thanksgiving, but I just couldn't sleep
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned - the Dark meat and white
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.
Tossing and turning with anticipation
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door
and Gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.
I crashed through the ceiling, floating into the sky
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie.
But, I managed to yell as I soared past the trees...
Happy eating to all, pass the cranberries, please.
May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump.
May your potatoes ' n gravy have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious. May your pies take the prize.
May your Thanksgiving dinner stay off of your thighs.
******
Andy, who I trust is in Great Britain, comes up with this story. Substitute your favourite team if you'd like.
A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama today when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of the boy.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there.
When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone.
The judge dramatically allowed the boy to chose who should have custody of him. Custody was yesterday granted to Leeds United football club as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone.
******
Annabelle sent this to some of her acquaintances...
An elderly gentleman of 85 feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The Doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test her husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start outabout 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"
No response.
So the husband moved to the other end of the room,about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?"
Again he gets no response so he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away.
"Honey, what's for supper?"
Again there is no response, so he walks right up behind her.
"Honey, what's for supper?"
"Damn it Earl, for the fourth time, CHICKEN!"
******
Carrie tells us that at a conference that included admirals from many allied countries, there was a cocktail reception where there was a small group talking that included an admiral from the US Navy and an admiral from the French Navy. The French admiral started complaining that whereas Europeans learned many languages, Americans only learn English.
He then asked, "Why is it that we have to speak English in these conferences rather than you having to speak French?"
The American admiral replied,"Maybe it is because we arranged it so you did not have to speak German."
The group was silent.
******
This "shaggy duck" story comes from Sherill.
A duck walks into a bar and orders a bottle of beer and a ham sandwich.
The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.
"I see your ears are working," replies the duck. "Now can I have my beer and sandwich please?"
"Certainly," says the bartender, "Sorry about that. It's just that we don't get many ducks in this bar. What are you doing 'round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the street," explains the duck.
So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, and leaves.
This continues for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the bar, and the bartender says to him, "You're with the circus, aren't you? I know this duck that would be brilliant in your circus. He talks, he drinks beer, and everything."
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringleader. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day, the duck comes into the bar. The bartender says, "Hey, Mister Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"
"Yeah," says the duck, "sounds great. Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the bartender.
"The circus?" the duck inquires.v
"That's right," replies the bartender.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle? asks the duck.
"That's right," says the bartender.
The duck looks confused.
"What the hell do they want with a plasterer?"
******
Bonnie suggests we think about this:
1) If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... chances are either married it or gave birth to it.
2) Reason to smile: Every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
3) My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.
4) The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight
5) The nice part about living in a small town: When you don't know what you're doing, someone else always does.
6) Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
7) Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
8) Amazing! ! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn't all that communicative but I heard from it the other day after I said, "Body, how'd you like to go to the six o'clock class in vigorous toning?" Clear as a bell my body said, "Listen fatty....do it and die."
10) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.
******